Hey, Santa!

Yes, you, Santa, the man in red with the belly bursting out of your suit, the laughter that is practically trademarked and the rosy cheeks from too much exertion after eating junk food.  You.  I have a bone to pick with you.

You, Santa, yeah you.

You, Santa, yeah you.

Look, jolly dude, I am getting tired of not being on your payroll.  You owe me big time.  I am so busy doing things for you, and I am getting sick of not getting any of the accolades.

You need to cough up some dough for this job I am doing for you, Santa.

Let me start with the search for the perfect gifts that I can’t even put my name on.  Yeah, I spent three hours hunting down an obscure Lego set, yet you get the smiles and the thanks.  Really?  Is this fair, Santa baby?  I don’t think so.  And now, both of my dudes want iPods.  These are not cheap, Kris Kringle, and, yet, your name will go on them.  That stinks, bearded man, it really does.  Will you set them up for the dudes?  No?  Oh, so add this to the list of another one of my grievances.

And then there is the Advent calendar.  Each night (or early in the morning when I wake up startled by the fact that I forgot the night before), I run and put little gifts in the Advent calendar.  Gifts that are “supposedly” from one of your minions.  Yeah, the elf that sneaks into our house, i.e. me, is getting ticked, Santa.  So are the dogs.  Why, you ask?  Because they get blamed when there is nothing left in the calendar.  Poor dogs, Santa.  Poor, poor dogs.  They sit, hearing the blame, and tuck their tales between their legs.  Is that fair, Kringle?  Shouldn’t you be sending a reliable elf each night that doesn’t have to swear through piles of essays to grade?  Yes, Santa, you should.  And you owe my sweet, innocent dogs.  Big time.

Creepy Elf. Sneaking into the manger. The horror.

Creepy Elf. Sneaking into the manger. The horror.

And then the creepy Elf on the Shelf.  Do you know where he was one of the mornings?  Why he was sitting next to Mary and Joseph in our manger scene.  He actually moved Mary and the baby Jesus in order to fit in there.  Creepy?  Heck yes, Santa.  He also has these spooky, hollow eyes – I almost feel like he is following me (and even undressing me) with them.  It is a strange feeling, Santa, and one you both should be aware of.  The last thing that looked at me like that, the chocolate Easter bunny, met an untimely demise.  IMG_2889 The dogs are mad at him, too, because they were also blamed for his failure to relocate one evening. I am sure they would like to have him as a chew toy, Kringle, so you need to tell the Elf, who the dudes named Henry, to keep himself out of the dog’s reach.  And stay away from my martini glasses.  Seriously, Papa Noel, those are not for children.

It is diet time, Santa. Yeah, you heard me.

It is diet time, Santa. Yeah, you heard me.

Oh, and Santa?  I just want you to know that I am leaving you carrots and celery this year.  They are for you so don’t try and pass them off to the reindeer.  Maybe it is time you join Cookie Monster in demonstrating a healthy lifestyle.  You need to be careful, Santa dear.  Plus, I have discontinued the candy tradition in the Advent calendar.  Why, you ask?  Have you ever witnessed an eight-year-old who has candy for breakfast?  No?  It is not pretty, St. Nick, but you wouldn’t know anything about that because you haven’t been there to talk a small child down from swinging on the chandelier.

Checking my list.  Twice.

Checking my list. Twice.

Your present this year is a lump of coal.  You are on my naughty list, Santa dude, yes indeed.  You may make it to my good list if, and only if, you can turn that coal into a diamond for me next year.

I need to go, Santa, I am bidding on eBay for a present that is completely sold out at Toys-R-Us.  You owe me.  Big time.  Ho, ho, ho.

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18 thoughts on “Hey, Santa!

  1. This is making me so glad that I never had to deal with any of this. All the work and none of the glory. That sucks and that Santa dude is not a good guy.

  2. So funny! I have a bone to pick with the Elf on the Shelf, too. I feel like, as a busy mom, I don’t have time to do one more thing, such as move an elf around every night. I’m too tired. When my kids sleep, that’s when I finally relax! Am I a bad mom for not doing this? I feel like one. It seems like EVERYBODY has an Elf on the Shelf.

  3. Good for you. It’s about time someone gave it to Santa straight.

    Would you believe I never knew about Elf on the Shelf until now? I definitely need to get me one. Although, I am a little scared where he may end up in the hands of my boys…

  4. This is too, too funny!!! Every mother has been there but maybe not to such an extent as you! I hope that elf or the captain will at least help with wrapping packages!

  5. Funny. My kids are big, and that Elf is a little creepy looking, so I think I’m not inviting him into my house. Santa owes me big too. I wrap for hours on Christmas Eve so that he can reap in the glory Christmas morning.

  6. WORD. I do believe this is the last year for Santa in our house. I have had a lot of fun making Ashley smile with all of my elaborate Santa schemes, but frankly, I’m getting tired of all the extra work (and extra money being spent).

  7. It’s so true that parents get the shaft while Santa gets all the credit! When I have kids, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep up the charade without pulling my hair out.
    The elf on the shelf thing is terrifying!

  8. PERFECT!!!!! What stupid parents ever came up with these ideas to give imaginary people all of the credit for what we work our butts off to do?! And I am really regretting I ever started the darn Advent calendar tradition in our house. Thank God Dimples was too old when the Elf on the Shelf started hitting stores. I would definitely have had to feed him to Wonderbutt.

  9. Haha, we used to have advent calendars with chocolate in them and my kids would absolutely want them for breakfast instead of waiting until the afternoon. So I haven’t done one in the past couple of years. But maybe I’ll create one next year with cool stuff in there. I think I need to create my own because everything I would put in there is too big to fit in those little drawers. Another craft project…

    As for Santa, I’ll let him take the credit for a few more years at my house. As long as I see the joy in my kids’ eyes on Christmas morning when they discover the presents from Santa under the tree, I’ll give Santa a break. It’s one of those priceless moments I’m not looking forward to go away.

  10. I am only beginning the Santa journey in some ways. I can tell I’m not cut out for this, not at all. As for the Elf, thank goodness my kids didn’t seem to mind if he didn’t move around for days!

  11. Pingback: Rationalize It | jeandayfriday

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