The Birds, the Bees and Puppies

You never know when you may have to explain the birds and the bees to your children.

I did not think this would come into play at their tender ages of 11 and eight, but thanks to my mother-in-law, I had the horror opportunity to tell them a little bit about how babies are made.

One Tuesday night as I was in the middle of teaching a tap class, I received a frantic voice mail from my mother-in-law, Salt.

It went a little like this:  “Allison, hey. We have a problem here. The dogs are stuck together and I don’t know what to do! They have been stuck for over 20 minutes and I can’t get a hold of anyone.  You must call me back as soon as you get this because I just don’t know what to do!”

Reluctantly I returned the call.

“Hi there.  I only have a minute because I am in between classes,” I said.

“Chewie and Maisy got stuck together!  It has been over 30 minutes!  I didn’t know what to do!” she wailed.

“Are they still stuck together?” I asked in a calm voice so I could try and assess the situation.

“No. Finally they got themselves unstuck.  I called the vet because I couldn’t get anyone on the phone,” she exclaimed, her voice revealing how stressful it had been for her. “And the boys wanted to watch it the entire time!  I had to close the curtains!”

After hanging up with her and finishing teaching my dance classes, I ran my dudes to the store.

It would be an understatement to say there were a few questions that were asked.

“Mom, why were the dogs stuck together?”

“Mom, grandma said that Chewie’s penis had to shrink before they could be unstuck.  Why?”

“Mom, what does amorous mean?”

“Mom, why did grandma tell the vet the dogs were ‘getting it on’?  What does ‘getting it on’ mean and where were they getting it on to?”

“Mom, did you know that Chewie looked like he was doing the Harlem Shake on Maisy’s back?”

“Mom, Grandma kept trying to close the curtains so we couldn’t see the dogs. Why was she doing that?”

and the biggest question of all:

“Mom, is that how people make babies?”

OMG.

By this time, I am standing in front of the cashier at Kohl’s.  She is staring at me like I have lost my marbles (which, at that second, I wished was true).  Both boys were staring at me, too, waiting for answers.

Surely this should have been the exact moment I could’ve said, “Ask your father.”  But, alas, I am not that lucky.

I started lightly.  “Amorous means really, really lovey.”  Yes, I took the easiest question first.  Can you blame me?

Next answer: “Chewie probably doesn’t know the Harlem Shake,” but then I asked the stupidest question, “How exactly did this start?

Both dudes jumped at the chance to answer, speaking over each other.  The cashier looked at me like I had horns.

“Well, you see Mom, Chewie came inside and started following Maisy around. I mean, literally, (he uses this word a lot – he is 8) Chewie would not leave her alone,” Squishy chimed in.

“Yeah, and then he started to jump on her and stuff,” said 11-year-old String Bean with a wide-eyed grin, “And he wouldn’t stop, don’t be mad if I say this next part, Mom, OK?  Grandma said it wasn’t a bad word.”

“Ummm, OK, I guess?!” Fear bubbled up inside of me.

“Chewie started humping her.  That is what Grandma called it,” he said, looking at me to gauge my reaction.

Squishy interjects, “Yeah, Mom, it was crazy! It looked like this,” as he begins a vivid demonstration even Elvis would not have attempted on national TV.

“OK. You can stop showing me now,” I said as I pushed them out of Kohl’s.

“And Grandma said Maisy was a hussy.  What exactly is a hussy, Mom?  I’ve never heard of that word before.”

And so it goes.

As I tucked the dudes into bed that night, they were still buzzing about the events of the evening. They were hoping puppies would arrive soon (I did have to break down and explain how puppies are made), and they were bouncing off of the walls about the entire situation.

Squishy did have an ace up his sleeve.  “Mom, look at this!” he said, shoving his iPod in my face, “Here they are stuck together!”

Photographic proof of the event taken by an eight-year-old.  Amorous, indeed.

Stuck together.

Stuck together.

47 thoughts on “The Birds, the Bees and Puppies

  1. Seems you handled it very well. Having pets are great ways to learn about all facets of life. Hopefully the boys will absorb enough information they need for now and will forget about it until they need more in a couple years.

  2. “Mom, did you know that Chewie looked like he was doing the Harlem Shake on Maisy’s back?” This is my favorite line! I’m thinking you could do a video and post it to youtube. Oh wait, do they allow doggie porn on youtube?

  3. OMG!! This is too funny, Jean!! And you were in Kohl’s no less! You can’t make this stuff up. And just as a sidebar… “Hussy” is probably woefully under used in our vocabulary. Agree? HILARIOUS POST!!
    Lisa

    • Of course we had to be in a store when the flood of questions happened! :)
      You are right – hussy really isn’t used that much at all! Apparently, my mother-in-law really likes the word and is trying to bring it back by teaching it to elementary children (my elementary children)! ;)

  4. I’m still laughing. This is hilarious because it’s so innocent and it’s sad because the kids don’t stay young long. You did great, mom. I’m waiting for my granddaughters to start asking questions…(nine and five).

    • Thank you so much! Looking back on it, I love seeing them so curious and full of wonder about the entire situation. I have fielded questions before, but none as vivid as this!

  5. How hilarious and I already know the story as Grandma called me and left a message. You handled all of the answers really well…it’s funny, I don’t remember having to answer those questions when you were little but we had several litters of dogs and cats!
    FYI to anyone out there who doesn’t know about dogs doing the “Harlem Shake”, DON”T try to get them apart as it will hurt both male and female…cold water might work at the very onset but usually not.

  6. Oh, jeez, this is hilarious. And I’m so glad now that I covered the Birds and Bees basics at a young age, adding more detail as my kids got older. Certainly avoided situations like this, including the time we witnessed some turtles getting their groove on at the zoo. ;)

    Love your blog’s new look!

    • Thanks, Carrie! I felt my blog needed a little spring face-lift! :)

      I never thought I would be talking about the birds, bees, etc, in Kohl’s. It was a crazy day! I have found that I am really not good with the talks on anything relating to human biology. There has to be a manual for these types of discussions, right?! ;)

  7. OMG! Just way too funny! You seem to have handled it well though…I don’t think I would have, especially in public! How do you feel about them learning the word “humping?” Lol.

    • I have to say that I am not too happy about the new vocabulary words – humping and hussy. These are not ones I use on a regular basis. Hopefully, they will forget them soon! Although when Grandma talks, everybody listens! I did tell them to use “tart” instead of hussy. It just sounds better. ;)

  8. haha.. I laughed on the hussy part.. one time my little girl asked what a Floozy was..Out of the mouths of babes ;-)

  9. Oh my. I think you handled the situation very well especially considering you were discussing hussy and humping while waiting in line at Kohls. I have yet to discuss the whole where babies come from thing with my boys. Cody once asked me how he got out of my belly to which I was able to truthfully tell him through my tummy (because it was an emergency C-section). Then I was able to change the subject sucessfully to something else.

    • Both of my boys were C-sections, too, so I have always said they came out of my tummy! I do believe that changing the subject works in most cases, however, sadly, not in this case. I will be directing them to their father next time. And, if I am in Kohl’s, I am going with the “Hey, boys, let’s get ice cream!” in order to divert the conversation!

  10. I have to admit, I am guffawing…loudly. Hahaha! I’m also commiserating with you. The things your MIL said? HOOOO-WEE! I’m still laughing.

    Also, why didn’t I know that you teach dance lessons?! That’s so great!

    • My MIL is a wild one, that’s for sure! I do teach dance – tap dancing. :) I have a draft of a post about it, but I need to finish it. It is quite an adventure! I hope to post it next week sometime – it is fun and a little crazy, too!

  11. Hysterical! I will never be able to watch another Harlem Shake video the same way again. (That may be a blessing.) I love the questions and isn’t your Mother In Law special for supplying such wonderful words for you to define for the wee ones? I’m afraid I would have headed to a glass of Scotch first, not Kohls. ;-)

  12. Oh my God, that’s so funny! And of course, the conversation HAS to be in Kohl’s — that would be my luck too. I’ll bet that cashier was cracking up….

    I was going to let mine learn the facts of life the old-fashioned way — through the misinformation passed around the school playground. But then I realized that’s why the school gave us such a long summer vacation — to get the information out there early and pray they stop talking about it by the time fall rolls around.

  13. Wow. Thanks so much, mother-in-law. At least she was trying her best. And to have it all come out in check-out line. Love it! Awh, it’s awful, but funny for us. Hopefully some day you’ll laugh too, if not already. I SO don’t look forward to having these conversations with my girls!!

  14. I have never referred to a dog as a “hussy,” but I can certainly see from the photo that she’s a shameless trollop. Good work on the “talk” with your boys… at least it came up (somewhat) organically, as opposed to, “Boys, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about…”

  15. Omg how cuteee! Haha my mom decided to tell me how babies were made before I even asked! I guess this was around the time that kids on the playground started talking about these kind of things.
    My mom bought me a book called Mommy Laid an Egg and it was basically about sex but in a little kid version. I did not understand. My mom explained it to me afterwards and I was so disgusted and disturbed. I was probably 9 or 10. And then she told me not to tell my little brother who was 6 or 7….and of course I went right to him and told him. Nice.

  16. For the next situation,you should make it absolutely clear to Grandma that if it happens when she is around, it is her responsibility to explain it.
    And if the cashier gives you a hard time, just start using the mannequins as visual aids.
    And let her manager know the cashier suggested it!

  17. I am pleased to nominate you for The Liebster Award!!!

    The Liebster award is given to up and coming bloggers to encourage them to continue their work. What is a Liebster? The meaning: Liebster is German and means sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. I received this nomination from http://simplymejustbe.wordpress.com/. I am humbled and honored to have been nominated.

    Thanks for the nomination Simply Me Just Be. . .

    To receive this award you must go to http://www.sandyshopefulroom.com and follow the instructions on the blog post “What Wonder Comes When We Least Expect”.

    Congratulations and May you be blessed!
    Sandy Ozanich

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