“You Old Hag” and other not-so-nice sayings

I knew that I had a wild child when he told my dear grandmother, Charlotte, that she was “nice stupid.”

My youngest, Squishy, has a way with words.

Here is Squishy at age 3. He is on the right with the not-a-smile expression. An expression of wild.

Here is Squishy at age 3. He is on the right with the not-a-smile expression. An expression of wild.

When he was just a little dude at the tender age of three, he vocalized his feelings.  He didn’t hold back; he just said whatever was on his mind.

My dear grandmother, who was in her early 80s at the time, was talking to him asking him what he wanted to eat (she always wanted to feed all of us – all of the time).  He kept telling her that he wanted ice cream, but she had trouble decifering the toddler-speak.

Finally, when she asked him for the third time, he stood up, put his hand on his hips, and blurted out, “Mam-ma, you’re stupid.”

Enter epic parenting fail.

She, however, didn’t miss a beat, and, this time, she perfectly understood what he just said to her. No decoding needed.

“Luke, Mam-ma is not stupid.  Mam-ma is nice,” she calmly retorted.

He turned as if he was about to leave the room, and then turned back, dropping his arms to his side and tilting his head ever so slightly.  The wheels were turning in that three-year-old brain of his.

And I was petrified by what he would say next.

“You’re right, Mam-ma.  You are not stupid… You are nice stupid,” and he did an about face and left the room.

This is when I knew I was in trouble.

At school, Squishy was (and is) the perfect angel.  It is just at home where his filter is lacking.

A few summers ago, when Squishy was six, he called my mother-in-law an old hag…in front of her bridge club.  (Yes, I am a proud parent – cough, cough).  Apparently he was “just kidding” and “only wanted some snacks.”  When she asked where he learned that phrase, he said “my mom.” I don’t recall ever in my life uttering the words “you old hag,” but in his mind, it was a free pass out of trouble.

How can anyone be mad at this face? Or not laugh at this crazy expression?

How can anyone be mad at this face? Or not laugh at this crazy expression?

More recently, he has been caught saying “shut your pie hole.”  Now I do know where this reference came from.  It is from the movie “The Sandlot” and The Captain was very excited the dudes liked the film.  Very excited, indeed, especially when Squishy not-so-subtly said this to my mother-in-law.

I found out about this gem of a phrase when I walked in on my mother-in-law discussing my “poor parenting choices” with a friend of hers.  She went on to tell the friend, “and she just laughs at what he says instead of disciplines him.”  Later I found that, once again, he blamed me for teaching him the phrase.  Hmmm.  Is there a trend going on?

When I addressed the behavior, he justified it by saying, “She wouldn’t stop talking, Mom.”

Touche, Squishy, touche.

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39 thoughts on ““You Old Hag” and other not-so-nice sayings

  1. Haha! Oh what a great post. Even at three my daughter has become a parrot for my parenting fails and expressions. You are not alone, and Squishy is completely adorable.

  2. Oh, Squishy certainly does have a way with words. He-Who recently was discussing with his granddaughter the language she was using on facebook. She is pre-teen and we had noticed some unacceptable words. When her mother asked where she learned such things both his granddaughter and her brother piped up at the same time “Grandpa”. It certainly too the wind out of his sails and I got an I told you so moment.

  3. Squishy is so cute! He reminds me of my three-year-old daughter who is quite “crazy!” She’s witty too. A few days ago, she wet her pants on my office chair, even though she’s been potty-trained for some time now, and when I asked her about it, she said, “Surprise!”

  4. I am trying not to laugh, but it keeps coming out because he’s not my child. I’m so glad your son doesn’t have my parents or Eric’s parents for grandparents. Heh.

    And yes, I guarantee he thinks that by telling people you’re “teaching” him this stuff, you’ll get in trouble and he won’t. I don’t, however, think that you’re failing as a parent. You can be the best parent in the world (whatever that subjective description means), and some kids will just always be willful and outspoken.

    WOOOO! Good luck with that one. Hahaha!

  5. Ummm I loveeee your son. He is the best. I didn’t have much of a filter either as a child. I’m sure he’ll be a talented blogger someday!

    Also, he could be saying MUCH worse things. How could you not laugh when he says “shut your piehole?” haha. And I still love The Sandlot.

    Great post!

    • Thanks, Lily! He is a trip, that is for sure. There is never a dull moment. What amazes me is that he is very much the teacher’s pet. They never believe me! I am afraid I may have an Eddie Haskell on my hands. ;)

  6. That is some good stuff. So, in these moments, it’s all in the delivery. A cute kid like that can make anyone laugh with the right delivery. Of course, if not perfected, the words might be very problematic. And that could be bad. I had a way-too-sassy mouth as a kid, and I can remember more than one family member (two aunts in particular, one grandmother) who told my mom that they were so glad that I was hers and not theirs. Oops.

  7. I have heard you talk about thsi all before but when placed in the same expose , so to speak, I just can’t help laughing that much harder and visualizing “Mr. Innocent’s” facial experessions! Ah, isn’t motherhood fun?!!

  8. Does your son know my daughter, Kate? Kate has replaced the word “no” with “never”.
    Where do they come up with these things!!

    • Great advice – thank you! There are so many things I wish I would’ve written down. I have been trying to make more of an effort remembering and writing down the funny stuff. :) They grow up way too fast…

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