Open House and the Big Fart

I rushed into open house at Squishy’s elementary school last spring with a sense of trepidation.  It was the middle of our March Madness. First, The Captain was one week from the opening of Thoroughly Modern Millie at his high school (he directed, I choreographed).  Also, spring baseball had started for both boys, and finally, all three of the dudes I live with were in rehearsal for the Wizard of Oz.  Needless to say, I was a human taxi cab and the Open House became one of four stops that evening.

After finding a place to park (because this is not easy on Open House evening), I finally had the chance to get a good look at Squishy.  He had chocolate ice cream all down the front of his white Life is Good t-shirt.  Awesome.

“Squishy, did Grandma really have to give you ice cream the second before I picked you up?” I asked as I took his incredibly sticky hand in mine.

“Mom, I wanted it and she gave it to me. Geez.  I was hungry, but now I want a Star Wars book from the book fair and a brownie,” he replied, quite sure of his goals for the Open House.

“I don’t think so,” I said as we continued through the door.

Squishy dropped my hand and ran down the hall like lightening.  I was hustling behind him, bumping into the massive herd of parents in the hallway.

“Wait up,” I called to him, as I tried to put on a very fake “I have everything under control and my life is really a dream” smile for the parents who turned their heads to look at me.

“I am trying to catch up with you, sweetheart!” I stated to him in an as pleasant as I could get, sing-song voice.

“Mom, you are so slow,” he hollered down the hallway, “Oh, and I farted.  Safety!”

Awesome.  Now my kindergartener has yelled “fart” across a crowed hallway.

But it gets better.  It always does.  A guy I dated for a long while BC – Before Captain, Before Children – was standing nearby with his absolutely beautiful, poster-like family.  And he was smirking.  Did I mention it always gets better?

My fake smile turned into gritted teeth.  My posture changed to that of a wild animal.  My hair turned into the snakes of Medusa.  I smirked back while briskly walking by and said, “Hi there.  Gotta catch up with my little man!”

Secretly, I kind of hoped that the fart would linger and bring the idyllic family to its knees.  That would be awesome.

A picture is worth 1,000 words. This photo was taken at the open house.


40 thoughts on “Open House and the Big Fart

  1. No fair. I’m sitting at my son’s guitar lesson, out in the waiting area, and your post had me laughing out loud. I was trying to look like I was doing important work on my laptop. So much for that.

    Great post–not only for how you told the story, but because many of us with kids can relate!

  2. Hahaha! Love it! And kids still say, safety? Awesome! I love a good fart story, but for some reason, I always walk away singing the Cranberries (Did you have to let it linger?)

    • My dudes say “Safety” all of the time accompanied by the thumb on the forehead gesture. Last one with their thumb on their forehead eats it. We are very mature here! Lol! Also, I will now think of the Cranberries hit Linger every time safety happens. 🙂

  3. I have totally perfected the “I have everything under control and my life is really a dream” smile! I wear it all the time! Love this story. It still makes me laugh.

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    Keep writing! I really admire your work.

  5. Dude, he reminds me of Peter. Peter spent the entire day today talking OPENLY about his concerns that his itchy butt might be pin worms. I made the mistake of using my mom’s parenting tactic of telling him a horrific story and letting him decide if he still wants to do it. I was trying to get him to wear shoes. I may have explained pin worms and not he’s fixated and every time he asks to go to the doctor I start laughing. So what does he think my laughing means? He says, “Ok, then take me to the vet. Wherever you take a kid that has worms!” He is fine but I may have turned him into a hypochondriac. I can totally relate to the sing song voice-I-have-everything-under-control.

  6. At first I was thinking… ‘Oh, I miss those activity packed days!’ But then, once you were in the parking lot and crowded hallways and dealing with fart announcements, I thought, ‘No, I’m glad I’m done.’ hahaha!

    • We are slowly getting away from the fart announcements, but we are still at the stage where anything related to farting or poop causes fits of giggles and pointing. I am so proud. 😉

  7. Seriously, I love the blog names for your husband and son. And anything with the word fart makes me laugh. Why is that?

    Grandparents love to give ice cream. It’s the law.

    • Thank you so much! My oldest (who is 10) I call String Bean. He will be highlighted in some later posts.
      You are so right about grandparents and ice cream. I just don’t understand why vanilla ice cream isn’t strongly suggested by grandmas. Hmmm. Instead, it is always a flavor that leaves its mark!

    • “Safety” is one of the most random things. Apparently, the person who farts must yell “Safety” or the others will have the opportunity to punch them (gently, of course.) I must thank my nephews for bringing this phenomenon to my house. Hope your daughter never has to deal with “Safety!”

  8. LOL!! We have SO all been there!! Never fear, even the poster picture family has their moments! I’ve often laughed to myself when I can tell someone is viewing my family as “picture perfect . . . ” if only they knew! Tee hee hee!!

  9. This is too funny! My three year old has super power hearing that can hear a fart from a mile away – even the silent but deadly ones. And he has no qualms about calling you out on it.
    I had not heard of the “Safety” game until reading the comments. Good to know for future reference.

    • It is amazing how kids are fart magnets! I hope the “Safety” game skips your house – it is very embarrassing when out to dinner with friends and their children! 🙂

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